The Comeback of Myspace Surveys.

What is on your bed right now?
Literally on my bed: Myself, my laptop, two comforters, four pillows, one bottle, green yarn, knitting needles, Kleenex, and a hair brush.
On my top bed thing: Lion, one sock, a book, knitting needles, three bottles, one bowl, one plate, sharpie, bouncy ball, light remote, tv box remote, scrunchies, four lotions, Vicks and two chapsticks.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My therapist. I dont really find it hard to talk to anyone though.

Do you like thunderstorms?
Yes, as long as it doesn’t smell like worms out.
I have this whole thing about trees falling and killing me but that’s an everyday thing.

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
Young love is such dumb love.

Are you afraid to grow up?
I talked about this today. I dont have to technically have my shit together until 26 but still. Terrifying.

Any piercings or tattoos you would like to get?
I should get my tree redone

What’s bothering you right now?
How messy my room is.
My keyboard.
How my computer autocorrects dont without the ‘
My index finger since I burnt it.

If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would your reaction be?
Ben? Probably ‘Good Morning!’ or ‘Why isn’t the dog here’.

Don’t tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive?
Such a cutie.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Maybe Stallone?

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
Tricky. Depends on the type of hug.
Also, I have days where anyone touching me makes my skin crawl.

What was the last thing you said out loud?
‘Admit it, you miss me.’

Do you straighten your hair?
Maybe once a month. When I brush it out and it’s a mess and I’m too lazy to deal with it.
I use to straighten my hair all the time. People didn’t even know I had curly hair until high school.

The boy/girl you truly care about needs you at 3 AM, would you go?
If I was awake to take their call and they lived within the hour, sure. Why not?

Do you think you’re a good friend?
I have my moments

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
The telly.

If you had a pet goat, what would you name it?
Isla.

Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Oh I guess so. Nothing major though.

When was the last time you cried?
My eyes water all the time but I cried the other day.

You have just downed a whole bottle of vodka, what are you doing?
Probably laying on the driveway look at the stars or throwing up.

Would you ever tattoo your feet?
Obviously.

What is on your wrists right now?
Left – scrunchies & my CB bracelet
Right – Livestrong, Kelso & I’s friendship bracelet, bracelet I have with Momma Payne. Bracelet I have with my grandma, bracelet from the cancer thing

What was the last thing you and your mom talked about?
How wet pasta sucks. Always dry your pasta after cooking it.

Would your parents be mad if you came home at 4am?
If I was loud when I got home, yeah.

Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings?
Mixed emotions. I love talking on the phone but unknown numbers make me anxious.

One thing you want right now?
I think we all know what I want. I just can’t have it.

Do you miss anyone from your past?
All the time.

Last person you sent a text to? What do you think of them?
Dylan. He’s cool.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
The better question is who will have my heart next? and where will the rest of my organs be?

Does it bother you when people respond with one word text?
Most of the time. I do it though.

Do you always answer your texts?
Yes and no. I normally get around to it. Sometimes.

Are you close to your mother?
She tells me I overshare.

Do people often judge you?
I’m sure they do. Everyone judges everyone.

What was the last movie you watched & with who?
I watched a few movies with Charlie yesterday.

Are promises important to you?
Depending on the promise and pinky status.

Do you have someone who is very protective of you?
Not really anymore.

Do you like to hold hands?
Occasionally.

Have you ever had a pet hamster?
Yeah, Riley. She had red eyes.

Can you whistle?
Not since I lost my two front teeth.
I can kind of breathe in and whistle?

Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?
Literally anyone.

What were you doing at 2am?
At that exact moment I was sitting on my floor eating a banana.

Do you like where you live?
I was one of those kids that was like the second I turn 18 I’m out of here. I like it now.

What’s your favorite kind of shoe to wear?
I dont like wearing shoes unless I have to. I guess sneakers or slides.

How many people have you liked this year?
One

Do you care about what people think of you?
Most of the time. I dont like people being unhappy or upset with me.

Favorite board game?
Catan or Monopoly.

Where are you right now?
Top left side of my bed.

Who’s your most recent missed call from?
Emilee.

If you could say anything to one person, what would it be?
Pick me. Choose me. Love me or something like hey neat shoes.

Are you a patient person?
Not at all.

Can you get over people easily?
No, I do not get over people easily.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
At some point in time one of them is bound to feel something for the other in some sort of way.

Is there that one guy/girl that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what?
Always.

Are your eyes the same color as your dads?
I dont think so. I want to say he has green eyes. Honestly I dont know.

Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
Not really.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend / girlfriend smokes?
Yeah, I mean I could deal with it but I would want them to quit.

Do you believe love can last forever?
No, nothing last forever.
You’re going to die at some point

Last funny thing you said?
I dont know. I’m always funny.

Can you sleep in total darkness?
Yes, but I have lights on from my fan and air filter.
Also, by my door is one of those outlet light things.

Miserlou.

I am constantly sniffling. Maybe 50 days of the year at best I’m not. It’s one fo those things where I’m so use to it I dont notice it anymore. Like how my ears pop every time I swallow. Then every so often I realize it and it drives me mad. Sometimes when I’m falling asleep at night I realize that I’m breathing and once I think about that I have to focus on every breath or I start to panic. I’ve learned if I wiggle my feet around for a minut to distract me and I can go back to breathing naturally. It’s a nightly process. I was thinking about all that on my drive home today.

 As I get older I can’t help but to laugh at those who are younger than me. I thought I was the shit in middle school. I swore all the time and thought fuck the world. Now when I see middle schoolers I can’t help but cringe and feel bad for those who had to deal with me at that age.

The one thing I realized I can’t stand is couples who break up and get back together. If you break up and get back together more than three times within a year. Clearly something isn’t working. Maybe take it as a sign that it’s not meant to be. Once you’re out of high school you’re old enough to stop act like that. Don’t be like Ross and Rachel. They’re were annoying with their ‘breaks’. I don’t get why everyone loved Friends so much. Watching adults do that is the worst. Especially when other people are involved. Maybe I’m still sour that I can’t see her dog now.

My dreams are always ridiculously vivid. My sister told me I hallucinate back in middle school because I’d think that conversations between us that happened were real. The first dream I really remember I had was when I was younger. Around first grade. In it I was at this girls house and I went out in the hallway for whatever reason. When I get in the hallway the door at the end of it opens and a jaguar comes out and chases me. Every so often it would be a black panther. Anyhow, I had that dream for years. I frequently lose teeth in my dreams too. I’ll have a tooth in my hand but then when I look in the mirror the replacement tooth is already there. The internet says that means somethings missing in my life or something. Whatever. Then there are the questionable dreams. Sitting at my grandparents kitchen table while my grandfather draws a picture of a baseball player. My grandmother is on the opposite side near the room shaving her head because she’s about to be executed. My aunt died a few years ago and she’ll pop up in my dreams and be like surprise bitch. You thought I was dead. I faked it. I’m here to ruin your life now. We had this doll that she made me when I was younger and I am convinced she did something weird to it because the dreams would happen nightly. Once we threw the doll away ago, maybe a month ago those dreams happen much less. I hold grudges for a day if the person has wronged me in my dream. Like my mom will have done something and when I wake up I’m angry and sit there like I can’t even talk to her today because I can’t believe she had the nerve to do that in my dream. Even though I know it’s not real.

IMG_3514 (1)Back in 2010 we went to Arizonia for spring break and I bought new shorts for it. I got them the day before we left and didn’t bother washing them. We went to the Red Rocks and I wore this dark denim pair. When I got back my thighs were stained blue from them. I think about that a lot.  You can kind of tell in the picture if you zoom in. Granted I’m not good at laundry when I do it. I put as much as I can in. I dont separate colors or anything. I tend to have to rewash my clothes because I leave them in the washer too long since I’m lazy and dont want to go down stairs and put them in the drier.

Honeymoon (Forever).

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IMG_4051I dont mind Valentines Day. The first time a guy ever gave me flowers was on valentines
day. I asked him what he expected me to do with them. When I came home after that weekend I cut the flowers off. Put the steams in water and used the petals to paint. Really what are you suppose do with them? Look at them till they die. Flowers look so much better in a garden. I think if you are to give someone flowers dried out flowers would be the way to go. I have a vase of steams sitting on my desk right now. I like it.  Turns out Olive Garden Breadstick bouquets have to be made yourself. They only give you the bread sticks. This girl I use to babysit posted how she likes some guy on her snapchat story today. I guess today is the day you’re suppose to shoot your shot though. I’m not good at things like that. I get afraid and become this annoy shit trying to push the other person away. Its not that I don’t want that. I dont know.

On my phone I have section under notes titled ‘No Bitchassness’ (still pending). Within it you’ll find a bunch of random thoughts I have throughout the day. Todays thoughts include the following:

  1. If I ever have kids they won’t get the childhood experience of having bunk beds because there is no way I’m climbing up and changing the sheets.
  2. Never cast on more stitches than the needle will hold.
  3. How many people die in car accidents because they sneezed?
  4. Why does the corner or my eye itch?
  5. His forehead is so big, why doesn’t he grow his hair out and cover it.
  6. These trainers were probably like these bitches are clueless about dolphins.
  7. NASA should really hold a funeral for the Mars Rover.
  8. I wonder how many elementary school kids haven’t figured out that it’s simpler just to sign only their name. That way that can just put them in the box and not have to find which belongs to each person.
  9. I wonder what I’d look like if I gelled my eyebrows up.
  10. I could be deathly allergic to bees.
  11. I get why she doesn’t have any friends there.
  12. How is it Robin 23? Where are all the rest. They never talk about them. They’ve only shown three.
  13. Is a green Ferrari even real?
  14. I’d be screwed if instagram and snapchat showed how many times I view someones story.

Desperately Seeking.

I told myself I would figure out this happiness thing. Honestly I don’t have the slightest idea of what happiness is. Maybe it’s just being too distracted to think about negative things. I feel like when people say they are happy it’s one of two things. First, that they are lying. The second is that found something to keep them content for certain amount of time. True happiness? Kind of sounds like a scam to me. I like the highs and the lows. I mean it’s not a great thing but it keeps things interesting. The lows make the highs better and I always learn something from the lows. Anyhow,  I started to paint. Nothing that I paint makes sense. It doesn’t look good but it means something to me. My mom tries to make me feel good and say how beautiful they are. One person likes them. So that’s something.

Sunday was one of those nights where you’re doing good then everything hits you at once. Questioning everything. What am I doing with my life? Is my major what I really want? Is going to Sweden worth my time? What the hell am I doing after April? The typical type of questions that I think of all the time. It was different this time though. It left me with a worried feeling. I should have things figured out but everyday I wake up and just lay there being completely clueless. Absolutely everything is progress. Or at least that’s what my wrist says.

You know that second that someone asks what you want or something along those lines? Your stomach starts to get tight. I can talk for a lifetime but ask me to explain something that involves my feelings and I’m at a loss. Then again I’m over here wanting to know what people want from me. Where I stand and all that. I’m surprised no one has tattooed hypocrite on my forehead yet.

One day I want to write something that means something to someone. I don’t know what. Maybe it will be a letter or something on a bathroom wall. It will have an impact on someone and that will be enough. No one has ever said that to me before.

Finding Happiness… Or Something Like That.

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out what happened. How I got to this point. In the end I realized it was a lot of things. I’m not going to be angry about this week though. I know the things that happened needed to happen. If they didn’t I wouldn’t have figured all of this out. It also lead me back to being friends with my best guy friend I’ve ever had and I’m stoked about that.

I always know that this is going to be a rough time.  For years I think I have been using it as an excuse to just allow it to happen. Oh, it’s that time of year when I feel like this. It’s who I am. I can’t change it or overcome it. The thing is though I can. Somehow I expect others to deal with me. Just because the chemicals in my brain are off that somehow it allows how I am to be acceptable. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that depression is something to blow off. By all means it’s not but it’s not something that you can use to justify things. Sure it may explain why you’re a certain way but it doesn’t mean that its the reason I don’t do something. I can and I think maybe I have always known that but it’s always been simpler to take the easy way out. I am constantly so angry at myself because I know what I am capable of being. For the last ten years I’ve let one damn thing hold me back because I have always thought it was bigger than me. Around this time last year this guy told me that I was more than just my depression. I got angry and took it as him dismissing this thing that basically defined me. The thing is that he is absolutely right. While I wish I realized this a year ago I can’t go back in time and make myself. So now is when I move forward with my life. I know that it’s not going to be some cakewalk. It will always be apart of me and there will be days where it may get the best of me. I don’t have to let it define me anymore though. I won’t magically fall asleep tonight and wake up in the morning feeling pure happiness. It’s something I have to work at. I have to learn to be happy myself before I can make anyone else happy. Making other people happy and being enough is what I want most. So here’s to the beginning of it all.

 

Fade Into Me.

This week has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. Right now is normally the time that my doctor ups my medication. I found out she’s not coming back though. In the last ten years I’ve gone through seventeen psychiatrist. Out of those seventeen I’ve only really like two of them. I have what everyone refers to as a ‘unique’ personality. My thought process never really makes sense and I can be kind of an asshole if you don’t understand my sarcasm. So finding a doctor that gets it isn’t a cake walk.

Last week in therapy I went over the whole me being nothing more than a burden to the people in my life. She is one of those people who know me better than most. Listening to my bullshit for ten years can do that. Anyhow, after she explained that when someone is like me and will bend over backwards for almost anyone. You generally are better at being their for others and you tend to view yourself as an inconvenience. I always thought that when someone said they cared about me it meant they would be there for me just like I would be for them. I have always been the drop everything and be there for you to the best of my abilities. If someone needs you, you call them and talk to them till they are okay. You do what it takes to make things better. Then there I was Tuesday sitting in a park by myself in the rain. That’s when it hit me. I can’t expect people to be there for me the way I am for them. People care in different ways and that’s just something I have to accept.

 

 

Five Days In.

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I have started about ten post since the new year. Each time I go to write some about memories of 2018 or goals for 2019.  Turns out 2018 wasn’t all that significant. I couldn’t come up with a list of things  I wanted to accomplish this year whenever I sat down to write it. At the time I didn’t realize how boring it all was. I had plans in the beginning of 2018.  None of it played out how I planned though. I spent the year staying around in my house doing nothing. The good news of it all is that it made me realize that I need to be different this year.

I went to therapy for the first time in what seems like forever. Really it’s only been since March. I missed going. My therapist is honestly one of my favorite people. I’ve seen her for over ten years now. I got lucky. She was the first person I ever saw. I get this high after therapy. It’s like everything is released from me, it’s great. I spent most of my time asking questions instead of focusing on myself. I have always had a hard time explaining how I feel or the way I think. It’s good that I’ve seen her so long because if I said the things I do to anyone else they would worry.

They had all these notecards in the waiting room with quotes on them. I like one posted above. Some were foolish. Like how a caterpillar thinks it’s the end but they still go into a cocoon. How could people possibly know what a caterpillar thinks. One time when I had a new doctor they had the picture below in their office. I couldn’t see how it could possibly be an inspiring or meaningful. It seemed rather negative to me. I get it’s suppose to be the state of mind kind of thing. Blah blah blah but still if you’re in charge of deciding what medications will help the chemical imbalance in my brain you should probably have a little more uplifting posters. When I asked her to explain how it’s a positive message she seemed like she was upset with me. Needless to say I never saw her again.

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