I told myself I would figure out this happiness thing. Honestly I don’t have the slightest idea of what happiness is. Maybe it’s just being too distracted to think about negative things. I feel like when people say they are happy it’s one of two things. First, that they are lying. The second is that found something to keep them content for certain amount of time. True happiness? Kind of sounds like a scam to me. I like the highs and the lows. I mean it’s not a great thing but it keeps things interesting. The lows make the highs better and I always learn something from the lows. Anyhow, I started to paint. Nothing that I paint makes sense. It doesn’t look good but it means something to me. My mom tries to make me feel good and say how beautiful they are. One person likes them. So that’s something.
Sunday was one of those nights where you’re doing good then everything hits you at once. Questioning everything. What am I doing with my life? Is my major what I really want? Is going to Sweden worth my time? What the hell am I doing after April? The typical type of questions that I think of all the time. It was different this time though. It left me with a worried feeling. I should have things figured out but everyday I wake up and just lay there being completely clueless. Absolutely everything is progress. Or at least that’s what my wrist says.
You know that second that someone asks what you want or something along those lines? Your stomach starts to get tight. I can talk for a lifetime but ask me to explain something that involves my feelings and I’m at a loss. Then again I’m over here wanting to know what people want from me. Where I stand and all that. I’m surprised no one has tattooed hypocrite on my forehead yet.
One day I want to write something that means something to someone. I don’t know what. Maybe it will be a letter or something on a bathroom wall. It will have an impact on someone and that will be enough. No one has ever said that to me before.