By no means am I a writer. None of this is to advance some sort of journalism dream. I don’t write because I want to change the world. Honestly, my therapist has been telling me for years now that I need to do some type of journaling. So here we are. If you have taken the time to read anything I’ve written then two things. You know that nothing I say necessarily makes sense. Also, you’re a complete doll for taking the time to actually read what I have to say.
I am continuously at war with myself. Lately it seems like the worlds slowly burning around me. Ten year ago today I got on a plane to go to Florida for vacation. I guess you could say that was the start of my downfall. 3,650 days I can’t seem to decided if I’m just like the person I was back then or if I’m completely different.
Looking back I’m disappointed in myself. This was never who I wanted to be. I had plans. My emotions consuming more and more of me each year leaving me where I am right now. My life was suppose to be together by now. Have a steady job, college degree. At least have some of my shit together. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be the person that I need myself to be.
These last few days have been a blur. I’ve managed to go through a million and three emotions. Existing becomes so much work. I become empty. I lose desire for the things I love. My bed is the only place that I want to be. Granted I think too much. I know that.
I think I expected people to be there for me because I try and do my best to be there for them. In reality it doesn’t work that way. People live their own lives. Just because I need something doesn’t mean the world is going to stop and they will be there for me. I am actually a huge burden.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m at a low I think all I really want is for someone who is important to me to believe in me. Not that I can do anything or save the world. Just that the feeling will end, they care and life will continue on. Telling yourself those kind of things doesn’t have the same impact.
This is me being dramatic, I guess. I suck and hold on to the past. It’s not healthy. It’s the one thing that can’t change though. The future is a complete guessing game. It scares the hell out of me. Committing to the unknown and not knowing what to expect. Terrifying.