I use to have this theory growing up that we were Sims. Someone was controlling us. Deciding what we do and when we do it. When you walk into a room and forget what you were about to do it’s because whoever was controlling you clicked exit on the task. It’s one of the drunk conversations I have often. Along with the argument on does shower or bath get you cleaner.
I came home and felt my life weirdly had no purpose. Granted this was due to the fact that I now didn’t have a daily schedule or anything planned for the rest of the summer, at least that’s what I am telling myself. I was hangry and tired by two o’clock. I can now make it to at least five without ripping someones head off. I know if I stayed and got an apartment I’d spend my days doing nothing and grow to hate it there. I didn’t want that. I miss the friends that I made. The sun constantly beaming down on me and knowing that each day would be a new adventure. I’ll be honest, it’s kind of nice being home in a way. I can be my usual sarcastic self without worry about others not understanding it. That was a rough part of being there. Right now I’m just trying to figure out what the next step is. Maybe I’ll go to Florida and meet my internet best friend… but Florida in the summer seems like it would be like walking into hell. I could fly out for California for a little bit. I’d work and spend time with family.
While being in the middle of figuring things out I’ve kept mostly to myself. My best friend doesn’t even know I’m home. Really only my neighbors do. I’m gross and haven’t showered in four days. Magnus died. When I got back he turned black around his face and tail. I was convinced Jessica killed him. Four days in my care though he bit the dust. I’ve convinced myself I’d walk at least 5k a day. My dog can’t handle any more. I get these highs through out the day which are glorious. Generally triggered from a memory, the current moment, or a song. When the crash begins I take and nap. It’s the best of both worlds. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s best to let go of people. If someone doesn’t care or put in the effort why try so hard? Will it last? Doubt it. I’ve always been the kind of person that likes things to be good with people. (Excluding ages thirteen through fifteen because I was a straight up bitch who could make you feel terrible about yourself with just a few words). Sometimes when people say I’m being harsh I wonder if they really know how terrible I could be. I know if I really wanted to make someone miserable I could. The past few years have taught me to do better. I was such a shitty person for quite some time.
I cracked my laptop screen right before I left. How? I had a bobby pin on it and when it closed it just perfectly landed where it created the tiny tiniest crack on the bottom. It would have driven me crazy seeing that little crack there constantly so I had to get it fixed. I originally thought that it would be 100$ it turns out that the apple coverage that would allow into be that came out two months after I got this laptop so I didn’t have it. The apple care I had was a lovely 500$ fee. Now the space button is acting up and I’ve just about had it.