Det är äntligen våren.

IMG_4265.jpegThe sun is peaking out of the clouds. Robins are everywhere. My backyard is flooded from the melting snow and flowers are starting to pop from the ground. The Maine has released another song for their new album coming out which you can’t help but love. I have started to prep for my flower garden. Even though I haven’t bought any seeds for it yet. Soon I’ll be repotting all of my indoor plants once again.

With the weather being nice I have gotten the chance to spend time outside with C and O. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who loves being outside more me or them. Over the six months I have been in constant aw of them. Watching their personalities develop from a day to day basis is incredible. We also watching from about eleven times last week. It’s starting to hit me how much I’m going to miss them.

I have begun talking to a couple of families in Sweden to possible work for. Most of them are in the Stockholm area. Million different emotions rushing through my body. For someone who can talk about anything for hours I get extremely nervous when I have to talk about myself. It would be a big change but a lovely adventure at the same time. We shall see where all this leads.

I finally got around to putting purple in the tips of my hair last weekend. I have had the last two days off. I haven’t been nearly as productive as I hoped I would be. I can have a spotless room but within twelve hours I manage to make it into a compete mess. You could say it’s a talent of mine.

I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning.

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Change is inevitable. It’s constantly happening yet I can’t seem to get use to it. I have spent a large portion of my life trying to keep things consistent. In the end nothing stays the same. People who once mattered the most to you become nothing more than a memory. In the moment you expect things to last forever. That can be said about any situation though, whether it’s good or bad. All of that shapes us into who we are. Each encounter leaves a lasting impact on us. Sometimes we dont even notice it. Sometimes we realize it too late.

SAM_1408I saw B for a minute yesterday. I forgot she was going to be here. Well she was really only here for less than five minutes. She doesn’t ever come to see me. Homecoming and friends weddings tend to be what brings her back. I was half asleep. She stopped in to say hi. Complained the bathroom was a mess. Asked when I changed my room. Told me she was taking fathers car and would be back Sunday. For that minute it seemed to me that we really got along. Theres been a few moments like that. When we bonded over girlfriends always disliking us. When my mom tells us to stop fighting when we aren’t. I watch my IMG_4217neighbors have such a close relationship with their siblings and I can’t help but to be reminded that we are the opposite. There was a point in college where we seemed like we were starting to get close. That didn’t last. I owe a lot of who I am today to her. I could have turned out a lot worst than what I did. She took the right path in high school. I was afraid of disappointing my parents more than I already was. I won’t ever compare to her. We both have our strength and weaknesses. She will always be the one who be driven and accomplished. I will always be the one who cares about others and can sleep her life away. I’ll see her for a few minutes on Sunday if I am awake or around. Then she’ll go off back to her life and I’ll continue mine until the next time.

My room is a mess. I have been eating ridiculously unhealthy. My nails are breaking. I have terrible posture. Happy March.

 

Novocaine For The Soul.

At times I feel like I am that little rock that gets stuck in your shoe. With every step you take it drives you a little more insane until you finally  can’t take it anymore and you have to stop and take of your shoe to get it out. Or perhaps the sand that gets stuck on your wet feet as you’re trying to leave the beach.

There are those people that always assume whatever you’re referencing is about them. I may not remember much from school. One thing that has always stuck with me was history in eight grade. The explanation of what assume means. Every time someone does that I refer back to that moment and laugh at the person.

My curiosity always seems to get the best of me. It tends to ruin a lot of things for me. You know when you ask something and the answer you receive gives you a sinking feeling your stomach. Every so often it leads to you changing your view on someone. For as long as I can remember I’ve been doing this. There are some people that I love having in my life so much that I am oblivious to some of their characteristics. Not being as reliable as they should, how they cheated on someone, or something small like how they do a particular thing. I like thinking of those in my life as their best.

I tend to be the person who tells others the things they dont want to hear. The stuff that know are right but dont want to accept. Normally they don’t listen than in a month they text me and tell me how I was right and they should have listened to me to begin with. I think we all like to live with our heads in the sky. We want to believe that everything will work out they way we want it to. I think it’s good to be like that as long as you keep your feet on the ground at the same time. You have to keep reality in check. Especially when it’s not what you want. That’s when it’s the hardest. We try and make things last as long as we can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Comeback of Myspace Surveys.

What is on your bed right now?
Literally on my bed: Myself, my laptop, two comforters, four pillows, one bottle, green yarn, knitting needles, Kleenex, and a hair brush.
On my top bed thing: Lion, one sock, a book, knitting needles, three bottles, one bowl, one plate, sharpie, bouncy ball, light remote, tv box remote, scrunchies, four lotions, Vicks and two chapsticks.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My therapist. I dont really find it hard to talk to anyone though.

Do you like thunderstorms?
Yes, as long as it doesn’t smell like worms out.
I have this whole thing about trees falling and killing me but that’s an everyday thing.

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
Young love is such dumb love.

Are you afraid to grow up?
I talked about this today. I dont have to technically have my shit together until 26 but still. Terrifying.

Any piercings or tattoos you would like to get?
I should get my tree redone

What’s bothering you right now?
How messy my room is.
My keyboard.
How my computer autocorrects dont without the ‘
My index finger since I burnt it.

If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would your reaction be?
Ben? Probably ‘Good Morning!’ or ‘Why isn’t the dog here’.

Don’t tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive?
Such a cutie.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Maybe Stallone?

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
Tricky. Depends on the type of hug.
Also, I have days where anyone touching me makes my skin crawl.

What was the last thing you said out loud?
‘Admit it, you miss me.’

Do you straighten your hair?
Maybe once a month. When I brush it out and it’s a mess and I’m too lazy to deal with it.
I use to straighten my hair all the time. People didn’t even know I had curly hair until high school.

The boy/girl you truly care about needs you at 3 AM, would you go?
If I was awake to take their call and they lived within the hour, sure. Why not?

Do you think you’re a good friend?
I have my moments

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
The telly.

If you had a pet goat, what would you name it?
Isla.

Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Oh I guess so. Nothing major though.

When was the last time you cried?
My eyes water all the time but I cried the other day.

You have just downed a whole bottle of vodka, what are you doing?
Probably laying on the driveway look at the stars or throwing up.

Would you ever tattoo your feet?
Obviously.

What is on your wrists right now?
Left – scrunchies & my CB bracelet
Right – Livestrong, Kelso & I’s friendship bracelet, bracelet I have with Momma Payne. Bracelet I have with my grandma, bracelet from the cancer thing

What was the last thing you and your mom talked about?
How wet pasta sucks. Always dry your pasta after cooking it.

Would your parents be mad if you came home at 4am?
If I was loud when I got home, yeah.

Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings?
Mixed emotions. I love talking on the phone but unknown numbers make me anxious.

One thing you want right now?
I think we all know what I want. I just can’t have it.

Do you miss anyone from your past?
All the time.

Last person you sent a text to? What do you think of them?
Dylan. He’s cool.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
The better question is who will have my heart next? and where will the rest of my organs be?

Does it bother you when people respond with one word text?
Most of the time. I do it though.

Do you always answer your texts?
Yes and no. I normally get around to it. Sometimes.

Are you close to your mother?
She tells me I overshare.

Do people often judge you?
I’m sure they do. Everyone judges everyone.

What was the last movie you watched & with who?
I watched a few movies with Charlie yesterday.

Are promises important to you?
Depending on the promise and pinky status.

Do you have someone who is very protective of you?
Not really anymore.

Do you like to hold hands?
Occasionally.

Have you ever had a pet hamster?
Yeah, Riley. She had red eyes.

Can you whistle?
Not since I lost my two front teeth.
I can kind of breathe in and whistle?

Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?
Literally anyone.

What were you doing at 2am?
At that exact moment I was sitting on my floor eating a banana.

Do you like where you live?
I was one of those kids that was like the second I turn 18 I’m out of here. I like it now.

What’s your favorite kind of shoe to wear?
I dont like wearing shoes unless I have to. I guess sneakers or slides.

How many people have you liked this year?
One

Do you care about what people think of you?
Most of the time. I dont like people being unhappy or upset with me.

Favorite board game?
Catan or Monopoly.

Where are you right now?
Top left side of my bed.

Who’s your most recent missed call from?
Emilee.

If you could say anything to one person, what would it be?
Pick me. Choose me. Love me or something like hey neat shoes.

Are you a patient person?
Not at all.

Can you get over people easily?
No, I do not get over people easily.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
At some point in time one of them is bound to feel something for the other in some sort of way.

Is there that one guy/girl that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what?
Always.

Are your eyes the same color as your dads?
I dont think so. I want to say he has green eyes. Honestly I dont know.

Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
Not really.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend / girlfriend smokes?
Yeah, I mean I could deal with it but I would want them to quit.

Do you believe love can last forever?
No, nothing last forever.
You’re going to die at some point

Last funny thing you said?
I dont know. I’m always funny.

Can you sleep in total darkness?
Yes, but I have lights on from my fan and air filter.
Also, by my door is one of those outlet light things.

Miserlou.

I am constantly sniffling. Maybe 50 days of the year at best I’m not. It’s one fo those things where I’m so use to it I dont notice it anymore. Like how my ears pop every time I swallow. Then every so often I realize it and it drives me mad. Sometimes when I’m falling asleep at night I realize that I’m breathing and once I think about that I have to focus on every breath or I start to panic. I’ve learned if I wiggle my feet around for a minut to distract me and I can go back to breathing naturally. It’s a nightly process. I was thinking about all that on my drive home today.

 As I get older I can’t help but to laugh at those who are younger than me. I thought I was the shit in middle school. I swore all the time and thought fuck the world. Now when I see middle schoolers I can’t help but cringe and feel bad for those who had to deal with me at that age.

The one thing I realized I can’t stand is couples who break up and get back together. If you break up and get back together more than three times within a year. Clearly something isn’t working. Maybe take it as a sign that it’s not meant to be. Once you’re out of high school you’re old enough to stop act like that. Don’t be like Ross and Rachel. They’re were annoying with their ‘breaks’. I don’t get why everyone loved Friends so much. Watching adults do that is the worst. Especially when other people are involved. Maybe I’m still sour that I can’t see her dog now.

My dreams are always ridiculously vivid. My sister told me I hallucinate back in middle school because I’d think that conversations between us that happened were real. The first dream I really remember I had was when I was younger. Around first grade. In it I was at this girls house and I went out in the hallway for whatever reason. When I get in the hallway the door at the end of it opens and a jaguar comes out and chases me. Every so often it would be a black panther. Anyhow, I had that dream for years. I frequently lose teeth in my dreams too. I’ll have a tooth in my hand but then when I look in the mirror the replacement tooth is already there. The internet says that means somethings missing in my life or something. Whatever. Then there are the questionable dreams. Sitting at my grandparents kitchen table while my grandfather draws a picture of a baseball player. My grandmother is on the opposite side near the room shaving her head because she’s about to be executed. My aunt died a few years ago and she’ll pop up in my dreams and be like surprise bitch. You thought I was dead. I faked it. I’m here to ruin your life now. We had this doll that she made me when I was younger and I am convinced she did something weird to it because the dreams would happen nightly. Once we threw the doll away ago, maybe a month ago those dreams happen much less. I hold grudges for a day if the person has wronged me in my dream. Like my mom will have done something and when I wake up I’m angry and sit there like I can’t even talk to her today because I can’t believe she had the nerve to do that in my dream. Even though I know it’s not real.

IMG_3514 (1)Back in 2010 we went to Arizonia for spring break and I bought new shorts for it. I got them the day before we left and didn’t bother washing them. We went to the Red Rocks and I wore this dark denim pair. When I got back my thighs were stained blue from them. I think about that a lot.  You can kind of tell in the picture if you zoom in. Granted I’m not good at laundry when I do it. I put as much as I can in. I dont separate colors or anything. I tend to have to rewash my clothes because I leave them in the washer too long since I’m lazy and dont want to go down stairs and put them in the drier.

Honeymoon (Forever).

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IMG_4051I dont mind Valentines Day. The first time a guy ever gave me flowers was on valentines
day. I asked him what he expected me to do with them. When I came home after that weekend I cut the flowers off. Put the steams in water and used the petals to paint. Really what are you suppose do with them? Look at them till they die. Flowers look so much better in a garden. I think if you are to give someone flowers dried out flowers would be the way to go. I have a vase of steams sitting on my desk right now. I like it.  Turns out Olive Garden Breadstick bouquets have to be made yourself. They only give you the bread sticks. This girl I use to babysit posted how she likes some guy on her snapchat story today. I guess today is the day you’re suppose to shoot your shot though. I’m not good at things like that. I get afraid and become this annoy shit trying to push the other person away. Its not that I don’t want that. I dont know.

On my phone I have section under notes titled ‘No Bitchassness’ (still pending). Within it you’ll find a bunch of random thoughts I have throughout the day. Todays thoughts include the following:

  1. If I ever have kids they won’t get the childhood experience of having bunk beds because there is no way I’m climbing up and changing the sheets.
  2. Never cast on more stitches than the needle will hold.
  3. How many people die in car accidents because they sneezed?
  4. Why does the corner or my eye itch?
  5. His forehead is so big, why doesn’t he grow his hair out and cover it.
  6. These trainers were probably like these bitches are clueless about dolphins.
  7. NASA should really hold a funeral for the Mars Rover.
  8. I wonder how many elementary school kids haven’t figured out that it’s simpler just to sign only their name. That way that can just put them in the box and not have to find which belongs to each person.
  9. I wonder what I’d look like if I gelled my eyebrows up.
  10. I could be deathly allergic to bees.
  11. I get why she doesn’t have any friends there.
  12. How is it Robin 23? Where are all the rest. They never talk about them. They’ve only shown three.
  13. Is a green Ferrari even real?
  14. I’d be screwed if instagram and snapchat showed how many times I view someones story.

Desperately Seeking.

I told myself I would figure out this happiness thing. Honestly I don’t have the slightest idea of what happiness is. Maybe it’s just being too distracted to think about negative things. I feel like when people say they are happy it’s one of two things. First, that they are lying. The second is that found something to keep them content for certain amount of time. True happiness? Kind of sounds like a scam to me. I like the highs and the lows. I mean it’s not a great thing but it keeps things interesting. The lows make the highs better and I always learn something from the lows. Anyhow,  I started to paint. Nothing that I paint makes sense. It doesn’t look good but it means something to me. My mom tries to make me feel good and say how beautiful they are. One person likes them. So that’s something.

Sunday was one of those nights where you’re doing good then everything hits you at once. Questioning everything. What am I doing with my life? Is my major what I really want? Is going to Sweden worth my time? What the hell am I doing after April? The typical type of questions that I think of all the time. It was different this time though. It left me with a worried feeling. I should have things figured out but everyday I wake up and just lay there being completely clueless. Absolutely everything is progress. Or at least that’s what my wrist says.

You know that second that someone asks what you want or something along those lines? Your stomach starts to get tight. I can talk for a lifetime but ask me to explain something that involves my feelings and I’m at a loss. Then again I’m over here wanting to know what people want from me. Where I stand and all that. I’m surprised no one has tattooed hypocrite on my forehead yet.

One day I want to write something that means something to someone. I don’t know what. Maybe it will be a letter or something on a bathroom wall. It will have an impact on someone and that will be enough. No one has ever said that to me before.