I use to have this theory growing up that we were Sims. Someone was controlling us. Deciding what we do and when we do it. When you walk into a room and forget what you were about to do it’s because whoever was controlling you clicked exit on the task. It’s one of the drunk conversations I have often. Along with the argument on does shower or bath get you cleaner.

I came home and felt my life weirdly had no purpose. Granted this was due to the fact that I now didn’t have a daily schedule or anything planned for the rest of the summer, at least that’s what I am telling myself. I was hangry and tired by two o’clock. I can now make it to at least five without ripping someones head off. I know if I stayed and got an apartment I’d spend my days doing nothing and grow to hate it there. I didn’t want that. I miss the friends that I made. The sun constantly beaming down on me and knowing that each day would be a new adventure. I’ll be honest, it’s kind of nice being home in a way. I can be my usual sarcastic self without worry about others not understanding it. That was a rough part of being there. Right now I’m just trying to figure out what the next step is. Maybe I’ll go to Florida and meet my internet best friend… but Florida in the summer seems like it would be like walking into hell. I could fly out for California for a little bit. I’d work and spend time with family.

While being in the middle of figuring things out I’ve kept mostly to myself. My best friend doesn’t even know I’m home. Really only my neighbors do. I’m gross and haven’t showered in four days. Magnus died. When I got back he turned black around his face and tail. I was convinced Jessica killed him. Four days in my care though he bit the dust. I’ve convinced myself I’d walk at least 5k a day. My dog can’t handle any more. I get these highs through out the day which are glorious. Generally triggered from a memory, the current moment, or a song. When the crash begins I take and nap. It’s the best of both worlds. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s best to let go of people. If someone doesn’t care or put in the effort why try so hard? Will it last? Doubt it. I’ve always been the kind of person that likes things to be good with people. (Excluding ages thirteen through fifteen because I was a straight up bitch who could make you feel terrible about yourself with just a few words). Sometimes when people say I’m being harsh I wonder if they really know how terrible I could be. I know if I really wanted to make someone miserable I could. The past few years have taught me to do better. I was such a shitty person for quite some time.

I cracked my laptop screen right before I left. How? I had a bobby pin on it and when it closed it just perfectly landed where it created the tiny tiniest crack on the bottom. It would have driven me crazy seeing that little crack there constantly so I had to get it fixed. I originally thought that it would be 100$ it turns out that the apple coverage that would allow into be that came out two months after I got this laptop so I didn’t have it. The apple care I had was a lovely 500$ fee. Now the space button is acting up and I’ve just about had it.

 

The last month has gone by in the blink of an eye. My heart is so full of love because of
the people in my life. I’ve spent the majority of my time with my family and neighbors. It will be weird to be gone over the summer. I’ll just make them pretend I’m with them whenever they decide to hang out. It’s the little things that I’m going to miss the most. Seeing my dogs the second I walk in the door. The sunsets at the beach. Driving around aimlessly. Calling my mother asking about dinner daily. To quote just about everyone I know ‘this will be a great experience for me’ or ‘it’s going to be life changing’. I know that it will be. I’m kind of in the middle of being excited and realizing it’s happening to being hit by the fact that I’m leaving everything I know and love four thousand miles away.

I dont know what has happened what day. The days seem to kind of mash into one another at this point.  I went to C birthday party. It was PJ Masked themed. I still hold title as Luna Girl. I bought a fish. It has been named Magnus. He’s not the smartest when it comes to eating. He enjoys swimming and breathing, typical fish stuff. Jessica will become the new owner of him when I leave. I was holding her lizard the other day and was weirdly fascinated by it. I had my birthday cake with my neighbors. I threw up from the cake and drinking. Sat in a tree drunk singing the bumble bee song while my friends took pictures of themselves. I use to go to that place when I was in high school. It’s where I found my fun with Dick and Jane card. I dont remember what I left in exchange. Not much progress with packing though (I did buy all new socks which I’m obviously geeked about). Instead I have given away about a fourth of my things. I want people to have things to remember me by. The rest is simply stuff that I dont need. B came home for my fathers birthday.  I also managed to crack my laptop screen with a bobby pin…so. We did a going away dinner last week. The key lime pies were easily the best part of the meal. Since I made them and all. The texture of shrimp sends chills down my spine. I don’t mind the taste but I dont like it enough to deal with the gross feeling it leaves in my mouth. I keep meaning to take pictures of the things I’ve been up to but I managed to get too caught up in the moment and forget.

I spent the majority of yesterday doing yard work with my father. I have a solid burn for it at the moment. Coconut oil melts the second it touches my skin. Tomorrow I am cooking with my grandmother. I’ll go through her cook books and find some recipes that I want to bring with me. She has an entire wall filled of cook books and a few others in different rooms of her house. She still has her first cook book she ever got. You’d get sections at a time from the grocery store. Safe to say that’s her favorite of all of the ones she owns. She’s so cute. Friday I get to see my best friend. I made a playlist of songs that we use to listen to when driving around. Each one makes me smile instantly.

‘All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother’. Back in Girl Scouts for a Mother Days present we made some tile that had that quote on it. They told us that Washington said it. I just went to google it turns out it was really Lincoln.

Scrolling through Instagram I’ve seen about a hundred post saying some variation of ‘My mother is the greatest. She’s so perfect. Best person in the world.’ My mother isn’t some sort of superhero. She is filled with flaws and has made mistakes. Sometimes she loses her cool.  Over the last few years a lot has changed with my family. My mom has always been the one to try and carry the weight on the world on her shoulders. I think she reached a point where that almost became too much. She ended up changing jobs. For a few months I resented her for it a little. It meant a change in a way that we live. I quickly realized how unhappy she must have been though.  Now, it’s like she has grown into a new person. You see her smile more and sometimes she even lights up when she talks about work. Even if it’s a story that no one really cares to hear.

From day one my father and her have bent over backwards to give us everything we could ever want and more. A lot of what they have done for me has gone unappreciated. My father loves me I know that. He’s not always the best with emotions though. I’m closer with my mom in that way. Whether it’s oversharing with her or just walking to her and crying because life has become too much. Thank you for loving me in the years that I said I hated you. For allowing me to become who I am and never pushing me to be someone I wasn’t. All the waters  you have brought me because I’ve been too lazy to get out of bed and get it myself. Putting my clothes in the drier because I always forget. Most importantly for always knowing that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel when I’m lost in the dark. No matter how big or how small it is. You’re there. You’re always there.

Also shot out to my mom and dad for having sex and not using a condom. For my fathers sperm for finding and fertilizing the egg. Which is now known as me.

(I would also like to note that she claims that this is me and not my sister. When I asked her which is was she stood there and hesitated. So if you think it’s ugly then assume it’s actually B.)

I wanted this post to be something special. I never know the right words to describe her. How to capture her in the light that she deserves. This doesn’t do her a bit of justice. She is a hell of a lot more than just a mother. I hope she knows that.

I have neglected writing for a while now. I could say it was that I went and focused on my life or something like that but it’s not true. I simply haven’t had the right words to express how I feel. I know people dont actually read this but for my sake I like to pretend. So here’s what’s been happening since I’ve last posted. Enjoy the picture from today of Conroy doing what he does best. Sleeping.

The family I was working for moved about an hour away. As heartbroken as I am over it the kids now go to a daycare that they love and I still get to see them on weekends. C is turning three next week which is hard to believe. He got a big bed for his new house which lead me to having one of those ‘he’s growing up so fast’ moments. When I started looking for a new job I knew that I wanted to visit Sweden in the summer so finding something that would work around that wasn’t easy. I ended up deciding that I wanted to be an Au Pair. I looked into it last March but things happened and I wasn’t sure that I would really be doing it for the right reasons. Things fell into place rather quickly. Soon I’ll be moving to Sweden for a year and start a new adventure. Honestly, a lot of (most) people dont know I’m leaving. I’ve only told a couple of people. If you knew me when I was younger I had the whole ‘the day I turn 18 I’m getting the hell out of this place attitude’. Over the years I’ve come to love where I live. Specifically my house and neighborhood. Leaving is something that won’t be easy but I know it’s time. My parents will have an empty nest for the first time (besides the dogs). My mother has already cried multiple times over it. They are both excited for me though.

As expected I feel about a million different things. I’m ecstatic and terrified. It’s not that it’s a different culture. It’s more of the fact that in a sense I’m starting over. Everything will be new. I’ll have to figure my way around and make new friends. I’m not everyones cup of tea. So I’m nervous. I’ve started to pack. Really its only shoes but I’m counting that as something. I dont have a specific idea in my head of how it’s going to be. I’m just going to go with the flow I guess (that’s a huge deal for me). As far as my blog I want to try my best to keep it up. Share my experiences. I dont know.

 

Since all of my flowers will start to grow in my garden once I’m gone I’m trying to enjoy the little bulbs that have popped up in the mean time. Theres only so much yard work I can do right now. All I want to do is be outside but I have to be doing something or Ill get bored and go inside.

 

The sun is peaking out of the clouds. Robins are everywhere. My backyard is flooded from the melting snow and flowers are starting to pop from the ground. The Maine has released another song for their new album coming out which you can’t help but love. I have started to prep for my flower garden. Even though I haven’t bought any seeds for it yet. Soon I’ll be repotting all of my indoor plants once again.

With the weather being nice I have gotten the chance to spend time outside with C and O. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who loves being outside more me or them. Over the six months I have been in constant aw of them. Watching their personalities develop from a day to day basis is incredible. We also watching from about eleven times last week. It’s starting to hit me how much I’m going to miss them.

I finally got around to putting purple in the tips of my hair last weekend. I have had the last two days off. I haven’t been nearly as productive as I hoped I would be. I can have a spotless room but within twelve hours I manage to make it into a compete mess. You could say it’s a talent of mine.

Change is inevitable. It’s constantly happening yet I can’t seem to get use to it. I have spent a large portion of my life trying to keep things consistent. In the end nothing stays the same. People who once mattered the most to you become nothing more than a memory. In the moment you expect things to last forever. That can be said about any situation though, whether it’s good or bad. All of that shapes us into who we are. Each encounter leaves a lasting impact on us. Sometimes we dont even notice it. Sometimes we realize it too late.

I saw B for a minute yesterday. I forgot she was going to be here. Well she was really only here for less than five minutes. She doesn’t ever come to see me. Homecoming and friends weddings tend to be what brings her back. I was half asleep. She stopped in to say hi. Complained the bathroom was a mess. Asked when I changed my room. Told me she was taking fathers car and would be back Sunday. For that minute it seemed to me that we really got along. Theres been a few moments like that. When we bonded over girlfriends always disliking us. When my mom tells us to stop fighting when we aren’t. I watch my neighbors have such a close relationship with their siblings and I can’t help but to be reminded that we are the opposite. There was a point in college where we seemed like we were starting to get close. That didn’t last. I owe a lot of who I am today to her. I could have turned out a lot worst than what I did. She took the right path in high school. I was afraid of disappointing my parents more than I already was. I won’t ever compare to her. We both have our strength and weaknesses. She will always be the one who be driven and accomplished. I will always be the one who cares about others and can sleep her life away. I’ll see her for a few minutes on Sunday if I am awake or around. Then she’ll go off back to her life and I’ll continue mine until the next time.

My room is a mess. I have been eating ridiculously unhealthy. My nails are breaking. I have terrible posture. Happy March.

 

At times I feel like I am that little rock that gets stuck in your shoe. With every step you take it drives you a little more insane until you finally  can’t take it anymore and you have to stop and take of your shoe to get it out. Or perhaps the sand that gets stuck on your wet feet as you’re trying to leave the beach.

There are those people that always assume whatever you’re referencing is about them. I may not remember much from school. One thing that has always stuck with me was history in eight grade. The explanation of what assume means. Every time someone does that I refer back to that moment and laugh at the person.

My curiosity always seems to get the best of me. It tends to ruin a lot of things for me. You know when you ask something and the answer you receive gives you a sinking feeling your stomach. Every so often it leads to you changing your view on someone. For as long as I can remember I’ve been doing this. There are some people that I love having in my life so much that I am oblivious to some of their characteristics. Not being as reliable as they should, how they cheated on someone, or something small like how they do a particular thing. I like thinking of those in my life as their best.

I tend to be the person who tells others the things they dont want to hear. The stuff that know are right but dont want to accept. Normally they don’t listen than in a month they text me and tell me how I was right and they should have listened to me to begin with. I think we all like to live with our heads in the sky. We want to believe that everything will work out they way we want it to. I think it’s good to be like that as long as you keep your feet on the ground at the same time. You have to keep reality in check. Especially when it’s not what you want. That’s when it’s the hardest. We try and make things last as long as we can.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is on your bed right now?
Literally on my bed: Myself, my laptop, two comforters, four pillows, one bottle, green yarn, knitting needles, Kleenex, and a hair brush.
On my top bed thing: Lion, one sock, a book, knitting needles, three bottles, one bowl, one plate, sharpie, bouncy ball, light remote, tv box remote, scrunchies, four lotions, Vicks and two chapsticks.

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to?
My therapist. I dont really find it hard to talk to anyone though.

Do you like thunderstorms?
Yes, as long as it doesn’t smell like worms out.
I have this whole thing about trees falling and killing me but that’s an everyday thing.

Do you think teenagers can be in love?
Young love is such dumb love.

Are you afraid to grow up?
I talked about this today. I dont have to technically have my shit together until 26 but still. Terrifying.

Any piercings or tattoos you would like to get?
I should get my tree redone

What’s bothering you right now?
How messy my room is.
My keyboard.
How my computer autocorrects dont without the ‘
My index finger since I burnt it.

If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would your reaction be?
Ben? Probably ‘Good Morning!’ or ‘Why isn’t the dog here’.

Don’t tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive?
Such a cutie.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Maybe Stallone?

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
Tricky. Depends on the type of hug.
Also, I have days where anyone touching me makes my skin crawl.

What was the last thing you said out loud?
‘Admit it, you miss me.’

Do you straighten your hair?
Maybe once a month. When I brush it out and it’s a mess and I’m too lazy to deal with it.
I use to straighten my hair all the time. People didn’t even know I had curly hair until high school.

The boy/girl you truly care about needs you at 3 AM, would you go?
If I was awake to take their call and they lived within the hour, sure. Why not?

Do you think you’re a good friend?
I have my moments

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
The telly.

If you had a pet goat, what would you name it?
Isla.

Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Oh I guess so. Nothing major though.

When was the last time you cried?
My eyes water all the time but I cried the other day.

You have just downed a whole bottle of vodka, what are you doing?
Probably laying on the driveway look at the stars or throwing up.

Would you ever tattoo your feet?
Obviously.

What is on your wrists right now?
Left – scrunchies & my CB bracelet
Right – Livestrong, Kelso & I’s friendship bracelet, bracelet I have with Momma Payne. Bracelet I have with my grandma, bracelet from the cancer thing

What was the last thing you and your mom talked about?
How wet pasta sucks. Always dry your pasta after cooking it.

Would your parents be mad if you came home at 4am?
If I was loud when I got home, yeah.

Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings?
Mixed emotions. I love talking on the phone but unknown numbers make me anxious.

One thing you want right now?
I think we all know what I want. I just can’t have it.

Do you miss anyone from your past?
All the time.

Last person you sent a text to? What do you think of them?
Dylan. He’s cool.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?
The better question is who will have my heart next? and where will the rest of my organs be?

Does it bother you when people respond with one word text?
Most of the time. I do it though.

Do you always answer your texts?
Yes and no. I normally get around to it. Sometimes.

Are you close to your mother?
She tells me I overshare.

Do people often judge you?
I’m sure they do. Everyone judges everyone.

What was the last movie you watched & with who?
I watched a few movies with Charlie yesterday.

Are promises important to you?
Depending on the promise and pinky status.

Do you have someone who is very protective of you?
Not really anymore.

Do you like to hold hands?
Occasionally.

Have you ever had a pet hamster?
Yeah, Riley. She had red eyes.

Can you whistle?
Not since I lost my two front teeth.
I can kind of breathe in and whistle?

Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?
Literally anyone.

What were you doing at 2am?
At that exact moment I was sitting on my floor eating a banana.

Do you like where you live?
I was one of those kids that was like the second I turn 18 I’m out of here. I like it now.

What’s your favorite kind of shoe to wear?
I dont like wearing shoes unless I have to. I guess sneakers or slides.

How many people have you liked this year?
One

Do you care about what people think of you?
Most of the time. I dont like people being unhappy or upset with me.

Favorite board game?
Catan or Monopoly.

Where are you right now?
Top left side of my bed.

Who’s your most recent missed call from?
Emilee.

If you could say anything to one person, what would it be?
Pick me. Choose me. Love me or something like hey neat shoes.

Are you a patient person?
Not at all.

Can you get over people easily?
No, I do not get over people easily.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
At some point in time one of them is bound to feel something for the other in some sort of way.

Is there that one guy/girl that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what?
Always.

Are your eyes the same color as your dads?
I dont think so. I want to say he has green eyes. Honestly I dont know.

Would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
Not really.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend / girlfriend smokes?
Yeah, I mean I could deal with it but I would want them to quit.

Do you believe love can last forever?
No, nothing last forever.
You’re going to die at some point

Last funny thing you said?
I dont know. I’m always funny.

Can you sleep in total darkness?
Yes, but I have lights on from my fan and air filter.
Also, by my door is one of those outlet light things.

I am constantly sniffling. Maybe 50 days of the year at best I’m not. It’s one fo those things where I’m so use to it I dont notice it anymore. Like how my ears pop every time I swallow. Then every so often I realize it and it drives me mad. Sometimes when I’m falling asleep at night I realize that I’m breathing and once I think about that I have to focus on every breath or I start to panic. I’ve learned if I wiggle my feet around for a minut to distract me and I can go back to breathing naturally. It’s a nightly process. I was thinking about all that on my drive home today.

 As I get older I can’t help but to laugh at those who are younger than me. I thought I was the shit in middle school. I swore all the time and thought fuck the world. Now when I see middle schoolers I can’t help but cringe and feel bad for those who had to deal with me at that age.

The one thing I realized I can’t stand is couples who break up and get back together. If you break up and get back together more than three times within a year. Clearly something isn’t working. Maybe take it as a sign that it’s not meant to be. Once you’re out of high school you’re old enough to stop act like that. Don’t be like Ross and Rachel. They’re were annoying with their ‘breaks’. I don’t get why everyone loved Friends so much. Watching adults do that is the worst. Especially when other people are involved. Maybe I’m still sour that I can’t see her dog now.

My dreams are always ridiculously vivid. My sister told me I hallucinate back in middle school because I’d think that conversations between us that happened were real. The first dream I really remember I had was when I was younger. Around first grade. In it I was at this girls house and I went out in the hallway for whatever reason. When I get in the hallway the door at the end of it opens and a jaguar comes out and chases me. Every so often it would be a black panther. Anyhow, I had that dream for years. I frequently lose teeth in my dreams too. I’ll have a tooth in my hand but then when I look in the mirror the replacement tooth is already there. The internet says that means somethings missing in my life or something. Whatever. Then there are the questionable dreams. Sitting at my grandparents kitchen table while my grandfather draws a picture of a baseball player. My grandmother is on the opposite side near the room shaving her head because she’s about to be executed. My aunt died a few years ago and she’ll pop up in my dreams and be like surprise bitch. You thought I was dead. I faked it. I’m here to ruin your life now. We had this doll that she made me when I was younger and I am convinced she did something weird to it because the dreams would happen nightly. Once we threw the doll away ago, maybe a month ago those dreams happen much less. I hold grudges for a day if the person has wronged me in my dream. Like my mom will have done something and when I wake up I’m angry and sit there like I can’t even talk to her today because I can’t believe she had the nerve to do that in my dream. Even though I know it’s not real.

Back in 2010 we went to Arizonia for spring break and I bought new shorts for it. I got them the day before we left and didn’t bother washing them. We went to the Red Rocks and I wore this dark denim pair. When I got back my thighs were stained blue from them. I think about that a lot.  You can kind of tell in the picture if you zoom in. Granted I’m not good at laundry when I do it. I put as much as I can in. I dont separate colors or anything. I tend to have to rewash my clothes because I leave them in the washer too long since I’m lazy and dont want to go down stairs and put them in the drier.

I dont mind Valentines Day. The first time a guy ever gave me flowers was on valentines
day. I asked him what he expected me to do with them. When I came home after that weekend I cut the flowers off. Put the steams in water and used the petals to paint. Really what are you suppose do with them? Look at them till they die. Flowers look so much better in a garden. I think if you are to give someone flowers dried out flowers would be the way to go. I have a vase of steams sitting on my desk right now. I like it.  Turns out Olive Garden Breadstick bouquets have to be made yourself. They only give you the bread sticks. This girl I use to babysit posted how she likes some guy on her snapchat story today. I guess today is the day you’re suppose to shoot your shot though. I’m not good at things like that. I get afraid and become this annoy shit trying to push the other person away. Its not that I don’t want that. I dont know.

On my phone I have section under notes titled ‘No Bitchassness’ (still pending). Within it you’ll find a bunch of random thoughts I have throughout the day. Todays thoughts include the following:

1. If I ever have kids they won’t get the childhood experience of having bunk beds because there is no way I’m climbing up and changing the sheets.
2. Never cast on more stitches than the needle will hold.
3. How many people die in car accidents because they sneezed?
4. Why does the corner or my eye itch?
5. His forehead is so big, why doesn’t he grow his hair out and cover it.
6. These trainers were probably like these bitches are clueless about dolphins.
7. NASA should really hold a funeral for the Mars Rover.
8. I wonder how many elementary school kids haven’t figured out that it’s simpler just to sign only their name. That way that can just put them in the box and not have to find which belongs to each person.
9. I wonder what I’d look like if I gelled my eyebrows up.
10. I could be deathly allergic to bees.
11. I get why she doesn’t have any friends there.
12. How is it Robin 23? Where are all the rest. They never talk about them. They’ve only shown three.
13. Is a green Ferrari even real?
14. I’d be screwed if instagram and snapchat showed how many times I view someones story.