I’ve been busy off in my own world lately. Knitting and cleaning. I haven’t started a new book so I’m not reading anything at the moment but last week I finished The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. It’s a solid book. While I was reading this I watched a few episodes of the Netflix show Sick Note. They reference this book and ruin the end. I’m starting Pretty Girls tomorrow.
I constantly feel like I’m giving my all to people. Being there for them when they need someone or even when they don’t. Yet when I need someone those people aren’t around.
Growing up the one character that I related to most was Peyton Sawyer. Not just because we had some of the same shirts but from the music, hopes, dreams and emotions, all that jazz. Plus I was a sucker for the car she drove. She made sense to me. I was always envious that she was able to express herself through art. You should know that a stick figure and sun in the corner is about as good as it gets when it comes to my ability to draw. The way she carried herself and got through things was how I wanted to be when I was older. Things were always messy with her but she got her happy ending. No one sticks around forever. Sometimes people fall back into your life others just make an appearance but no one is ever a constant. Driving around with no destination in mind while listening to songs you love always seems to be the answer. A good song has the capability of changing your day. The only person you can really count on is yourself.
If I had a way with words and knew how to explain my feelings it would be something like the following quotes of hers.
“I want to believe in it all again. Music and art, fate and love, and I want to believe that I’ve made the right choices, and I’m still on the right path, and theres still time to fix some of the mistakes I’ve made. I guess I want hope.”
“I think everybody deserves a shot. If you really want something bad enough, no one has the right to stand in your way.”
“My life is pretty good. It really is but I’m searching for something to make it great. Something to make it matter.”
Phone background: We have so many pictures that are printed because when I was younger disposable cameras were really the only thing. Scanning them individually takes a lifetime. So we took the film strips to the store and they put them on a disc. This film strip was from like 1992. It was kind of screwed up so the pictures ended up meshing together. It’s something from a hot air ballon show. Anyhow I like it. It’s been my background from years.
The rest of my phone is not exciting. The first page is set to the things that I use most. Years ago I tried to make it so that none of the rows would have would have the same color in them but whatever. The second page is just things I randomly use. The third page is just a collection of apps that I hate but can’t delete.
If you want a good laugh heres me when I was a little tot.
The Maine is a band that stole my heart right from the beginning. I frequently go back and listen to CSWS and just hearing how much they’ve grown from each album amazes me. It’s not just their music that makes them great. Each time they take a new risk and it always pays off. As a band they’re something else. From their free tour to their 1823 fest. They care about their fans. You can’t watch this video and song and not be amazed.
My best friend in middle school would always randomly sing this. The other day I was driving in my car to work listening to Christmas music and this came on. I cried. It was something that I had completely forgotten. Anyhow I find it hilarious.
Let me break this down for you because it seems like an odd choice and it is. If you can’t agree with me that Taylor Momsen is a total babe and just all around amazing then we can argue about that at another time. Little baby Taylor is precious. Obviously if I have the chance to include her in something I will.
I can’t help but to laugh at the facial expressions in the beginning of the video. The Ramones are always a go to jam. This song is no exception.
This is my holiday Spotify playlist. It’s nothing exciting. I am not much of a Christmas music person. This is such a disappointing post. I’m sorry.
Eight days into blogmas and I figured I should take a minute and make a post on what has been on my mind recently. My head is foggy and I’m wild with frustration. At myself, the person I have been for the last ten years and the person that I am becoming.
There aren’t a lot of things that I really want in life. I can’t necessarily say that I’m happy. At this moment I can’t say that I am sad though either. I’m somewhere floating in the middle just making it through one day, into the next. I don’t mind it being that way. Would I like it to change? Yeah, sure. I’m not worrying if it doesn’t though.
I just took an hour break because I lost my train of thought (is that the phrase?) and I’m watching a show and this lady said something about how she didn’t mind being alone but she didn’t want to be insignificant and holy moly me oh my did that hit the nail on the head. Well I don’t want to be alone. Stupid people (actually really great people) had to walk into my life once upon a time and make me feel things. That’s not the point. Right now I’m insignificant. Why am I not one of those people who just goes for it. Gets on a plane, takes the adventure, follow the silly ideas inside my head. Theres a fire inside me that is dying because I suck and don’t do the things I want to do.
I try so hard to be enough. Not for myself but for everyone else. That’s the kind of person I am. I need others approvals. Not always. I have always wanted people to be proud of me. So I try hard and it’s gotten me nowhere. Sitting in bed at on a Saturday night. Pounding away at the keyboard. Putting letters into words that most likely won’t make sense to anyone who reads it. Do people even read this?
The worst is when you meet someone and theres just something about them. You can’t put your finger on it but you know it’s there. They make you feel like you are invincible. They think that your weird ideas are worth pursuing. You could be worthless but you’re not worthless to them. I don’t have that anymore and it drives me crazy. I’m the only one to blame for this happening. I have my chances. I get scared and push people away. How frickin’ typical is that (working on not swearing as much.) Trying to be my friend is no easy task. Nor is staying around when I get difficult. People get this idea of me. That somehow I’m something wonderful. In the beginning it’s always the same. ‘Harper I want to get to know you. You’re the bees knees.’ (Not the exact phrasing they use but it’s cooler than saying you fascinate me or you’re interesting.) Give it three months. I seem like something awesome. Then I start to rely on people and that’s when it all goes down hill. I get clingy. I end up getting so use to talking to someone all the time when it changes I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. Letting go has never been one of my strong suits. I talked about this with Ryan not so long ago. (It’s kind of funny because we faded away too) How becoming dependent on someone only screws you over in the end. So, sorry to disappoint all those people who have talked to me and think that I’m one of those people who are all chill and don’t give a shit. I do. I don’t get how you can care about someone for so long then it’s like you never knew each other. Oh, I’ve had such lovely people in my life over the last ten years. Sure, I shouldn’t have switched high schools or taken online classes. One of my biggest regrets. I think about it daily.
Anyhow, ‘If you could have any super power what would it be?’ People ask that question all the time. We go with something like being invisible, ability to fly, or something along those lines. I know exactly what I want my super power to be though. I want the power to take everyones pain away. If I could I would suck up everyones pain and suffer miserably if it meant the world didn’t have to feel it. Maybe that’s a little dramatic. That would be my super power though.
Okay. I need to go back and knit this blanket I’m working on. I have to restart it all because of three mistakes. I could have left them but it would have lost sleep over it.
I spent about forty five minutes yelling at my navigation system today. The ramp was closed for at least five miles and it kept telling me to turn. Leading me to get stressed and go in multiple circles. I finally got back on my way home I stopped at Guitar Center. I ended up buying myself an acoustic guitar. It’s beautiful. I should practice more. Boy. I suck.
Each year we watch Family Stone. We laugh at Meredith and they tell me how I’m like Amy. No complaints there. Die Hard is just an obvious choice. I’m a fan of McClane and Powells relationship. It’s not your typical Christmas movie but that’s what makes it great.