I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out what happened. How I got to this point. In the end I realized it was a lot of things. I’m not going to be angry about this week though. I know the things that happened needed to happen. If they didn’t I wouldn’t have figured all of this out. It also lead me back to being friends with my best guy friend I’ve ever had and I’m stoked about that.
I always know that this is going to be a rough time. For years I think I have been using it as an excuse to just allow it to happen. Oh, it’s that time of year when I feel like this. It’s who I am. I can’t change it or overcome it. The thing is though I can. Somehow I expect others to deal with me. Just because the chemicals in my brain are off that somehow it allows how I am to be acceptable. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that depression is something to blow off. By all means it’s not but it’s not something that you can use to justify things. Sure it may explain why you’re a certain way but it doesn’t mean that its the reason I don’t do something. I can and I think maybe I have always known that but it’s always been simpler to take the easy way out. I am constantly so angry at myself because I know what I am capable of being. For the last ten years I’ve let one damn thing hold me back because I have always thought it was bigger than me. Around this time last year this guy told me that I was more than just my depression. I got angry and took it as him dismissing this thing that basically defined me. The thing is that he is absolutely right. While I wish I realized this a year ago I can’t go back in time and make myself. So now is when I move forward with my life. I know that it’s not going to be some cakewalk. It will always be apart of me and there will be days where it may get the best of me. I don’t have to let it define me anymore though. I won’t magically fall asleep tonight and wake up in the morning feeling pure happiness. It’s something I have to work at. I have to learn to be happy myself before I can make anyone else happy. Making other people happy and being enough is what I want most. So here’s to the beginning of it all.