A Lesson in Romantics.

This album is an absolute jam. Everything about it is golden. I saw them at my first Warped Tour before this one came out. I don’t think theres anything that you can’t love about them as a group.

If you asked me over the last ten years my views on love I would tell you that ‘only fools fall in love.’ I watched that people around me that were my age telling each person they loved them after a week of knowing each other. I have never been in love. I can’t tell you how you know you’re in love or what love really means. I don’t think that love is like it is in the movies. I watched a lot of eighties movies growing up so I wish I could say it is all geek gets the girl, vice versa. It’s not holding a boom box above your head outside (I personally think that’s a terrible movie) or riding into the sunset on a lawn mower. It shouldn’t be about the grand gestures. I think it should be about challenging each other, supporting each other, and growing together. The silly part of me wants it to be kind of like in the movies, little adventures, left overs in bed, singing and dancing car rides, all the small things. Honestly I think what I expect of it isn’t what will ever happen. I don’t like to constantly go out. I’m perfectly content staying in and cooking being lame and watching the stars. I hate when people agree with you because it’s the easy thing to do.  Part of me loves arguing but if you disagree with me on something stand your ground. It’s okay to disagree. I like seeing different views of things. Half the time I end up agreeing with them. I would probably go insane if someone agreed with me on everything. The big thing I watch with couples my age is that they always have so much jealousy in their relationships. You know that’s something that is bound to happen but theres a significant difference between being jealous and not trusting your other. Sixty seven percent of the time it’s not jealousy it’s that they don’t trust on the other person enough. If I have learned one thing from movies is that a relationship can only take so much doubt before it snaps. Be with the person that you don’t doubt. The person fuels your fire not the one that you have to constantly prove yourself to. I like my space. I don’t want to constantly be with the person. I want to see my friends do things on my own. They have their life and I would have mine but at the end of the day they’re the one you’re with. Love wasn’t something that I thought too much about before this year or relationships in general. Turns out that’s all people want to ask you about once you’re twenty three.. After reading this maybe I’m actually the fool.

I don’t remember the stats correctly from class but it’s something like fifty two percent of children that are born to married couples end up having their parents divorce. I’ve been a lucky one. My parents are still together. I constantly have these nightmares about them divorcing. My mom is probably tired of me checking that everything is okay. They’ve been together this long they’re stuck together. In a way I want to be like them. They managed to deal with raising me which I know wasn’t an easy task. They have their disagreements but still grow together. When I was younger they would tell me that ‘they weren’t arguing but they were discussing’. I’m at the point in my life where I get what they meant by that.

Yesterday when I told Chad he should go to the bar he was saying how all of a sudden he wanted kids. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. Is that something I’m suppose to know at this age? I don’t know what I want. I always thought I would just figure that out with the person I marry. When did growing up become to weird and complicated?

Not Today.

 

This is one of those songs that really hits me in more way than one. In July (July 3rd to be exact) I was sitting in my room listening to Spotify. This came on from my SKOF playlist. All of a sudden I felt the need to go and watch the sunset. IMG_1852Not just watch it at the beach like I normally do. It was only four at the time so I decided I was going to drive to the west side of the state and watch it somewhere on Lake Michigan. My friends were all busy since it was short notice so I was on my own. The first area I got to there was no parking within six blocks of the water. Being the day before the fourth there were fireworks happening there. I considered parking illegally but me IMG_1907being me I didn’t care to deal with a ticket. I drove about a half hour down the coast of the state and found some random beach place.  The sunset wasn’t anything amazing.  I watched it on one of the walk outs to the light houses. The gift shop was lame so I didn’t get to get a shot glass. I spent a solid twenty minutes watching the carousel go around. My favorite part was the car ride. Three hours of music that made me feel every sort of way. Singing and dancing a long like a fool. I live for days like that. Also, this song is in the trailer of the movie Me Before You. If you haven’t seen it I recommend it and not just because Emilia Clarke is in it.

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I spent most of yesterday sleeping. I don’t know if it can be considered sleeping. Something would wake me up every hour. So it was just like a series of short naps. My mom recently had a knee replacement so her physical therapist has to come every few days since she hasn’t been cleared to drive yet. Him at the door bell woke me up. My dogs are precious but two of them are monsters since they are really just still puppies. They woke me up a couple of times. There was house construction behind our house and that woke me up at least twice. Short naps do nothing but make me more cranky and tired. I eventually craved some kind of sweet so I went to one of the near by bakeries and bought this chocolate rum moose thing (pictured) and cheese cake. The cheese cake was good. It had a brownie bottom which I thought would be soft but it was kind of hard. The chocolate rum thing was good. The rum part tasted a tad weird. I guess I thought it would taste like this dessert that we made for Friendsgiving once. I asked Chad what he was doing next weekend and he told me to come over last night. I know I can’t constantly spend my time in bed so I agreed. The thing about me agreeing to do something is I change my mind about a million times. I’m a homebody for the most part. In the end I drove out there after convincing myself I should get out of the house. We watched The Office for a bit. Kyle decided that he wanted to go to the bar with friends. I knew I wanted to go home soon so we stayed. We played Mario Cart which I apparently now blow at. Then Mario Party, I was convinced that the game was cheating me and didn’t want to give my character Peach the points that we deserved. I forced Chad to switch with me and it turns out that I was not a good at the game as I thought. Chad got a puppy (pictured) a little bit after I got mine last year. He’s all grown and still just as precious.

 

 

 

Surfing with the Alien.

This morning I did what I always do in days I work. Read a book and watch the news until the kids wake up. While making breakfast I put on Spotify. Today was Joe Satriani  and Yngwie J. Malmsteen. Lo likes to jam. She boops around and move to the music. Anything with a beat she’s into but she seems to enjoy rock a solid amount. C is different he likes things he can dance too. While he never complains about what is being played he always lights up when something like Bowie comes on, and of course the Frozen soundtrack. He loves Frozen. Each day we listen to something new. This week has been filled with Fall Out Boy, Guns N’ Roses, John Mayer, Joe Satriani, Yngwie Malmsteen and Linkin Park.

Scientifically music can be explained. The way instruments work, how the human body allows us to sing, using a combination of notes to produce a sound, the effect that hear music has on the human brain that causes us to feel a certain way. For years people have been created their own unique sound. Inspired from those before them and taking risks to come up with something new.

It’s a weird thing though because music is really a gift. The music we listen to becomes apart of who we are. Each and everyone one of us has a soundtrack to your life.I dont know how to explain any of it. It’s like how a good song or album can have an effect on you but it’s the great songs that leave an impression. The way they make you feel inside. They’re open to interpretation. The ability they have to express you when your own words fail you. Though they don’t always give you a feeling of invincibility. They can bring you to a darker place. The sad songs that hit you right in the heart. I like the ones that aren’t necessarily suppose to give you feel a feeling of sadness the best. Those are the beautiful ones. They relate to you on a different level leaving you exposed and vulnerable.

Some people just naturally click with it (I am not one of those people). I don’t mean in the way that playing and creating comes easy to them. Some may practice their hearts out to get to where they are. You can always tell when people have that connection though. It’s as clear as day. I know a few people like that. Honestly, it’s rather amazing. When you hear them play it’s a not just series of notes. They manages to take that and turn it into something that reaches right inside of you. Each time you know it’s coming but every time its different and hits you in a new way. In a way it’s like they are telling you a story. One that doesn’t use words but you still know exactly what is being said. It’s like they are pouring with passion. The sad thing is that I doubt they really knows how good they are.. It’s one of those situations where you want to let them be able to read your thoughts so they really understood it.

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Cute is What We Aim for – 2010.

My first concert was at a young age. I’m not exactly sure how old I was. It was a Britney Spears and Nysnc? concert. It was fitting a first concert. After all my sister and I did spend half of our time in bathing suit tops and shorts singing along in our rooms. We went all out and made headset microphones out of headbands and aluminum foil. There is photographic evidence of this but that will never be shown to the internet. I don’t remember much about that concert besides standing on a hill. I found out the other day that the lady I work for was actually at that concert too.

When I was in third or fourth grade I went to California to visit my dads sister and my cousins. I thought my cousin was the coolest person in the world (despite the fact he took me to the end of a diving board and tried to drop me in a pool wearing my clothes). At one point he had a green Mohawk that his entire rowing time decided to do. I remember I kept a picture that they sent us of him and his friends in the slip of one of my binder in third grade because I thought it was so awesome (I now realize that was weird of me). That’s around the age I started talking about wanting tattoos. Anyhow, while in California my dad, my cousin and I went to Telegraph street. Now I guess it’s mostly Asian culture but at the time it was filled with tie dye, hemp bracelets, music and the smell of weed. One of the stores we went into sold records. That’s when I was introduced to ‘classic’ rock. After that trip I remember asking my parents for new CD’s. While knowing all the words to Where is the Love was great I craved more rock. My dad came home with one of KISS’s greatest hits cds for me. I was utterly fascinated by them. From the make up to the costumes and the music. I loved it especially the boots. I wanted to be one of them for Halloween that year. I got one of my friends to agree to go as Gene Simmons (it didn’t end up happening). Later, I got one of Queens cds. I listened to that while falling asleep for almost a year. I hauled stereo in the bathroom with me to listen to Billy Idol while I showered. (I use to fall asleep while taking baths but since I was too short to reach the other end of the tub and I would start to slide underwater. My mom would check on me every five minutes to make sure I didn’t drown so I gave up baths). Got ready in the morning to Poison and J. Geils playing throughout the house in the morning. I had a Rick Springfield cd was played often but since watching Californiacation I haven’t really been able to listen to him the same. Van Halen was frequently played. I loved the song ‘Ice Cream Man’. I’d listen to it on repeat. The little hiccup ‘ah’ part was the best. When we had our red corvette a few years back I took that same CD and listened to Ice cream man on repeat singing along. Doing the ‘ah’ part as loud as possible. That album was basically the only thing I ever played in that car. One time I did play Blink 182’s self titled album but that just didn’t give me the same feeling when driving that car. I still listened to what everyone else was listening that was popular at the time. I had my Now 13 cd in my blue portable CD player. I listened to track 14 ‘Girl all the Bad Guys Want’ by Bowling for Soup on repeat. Laying on the living floor of my grandfathers house drowning out everything around me.

I saw All American Rejects when I was in fourth grade. I was four rows from the stage. Someone from behind threw a shirt and it hit me. It was lime green and said “Can I be you’re sweet home slice?” with a piece of pie printed above. I kept that shirt for at least ten years. Wearing it around the house until it was covered in too many holes to count.

I always looked forward to TRL. Sitting in the living room with a tv table in front of me doing homework and watching along. I was convinced that I was going to be a host when I grew up and interview all my favorite bands. The real dream at the time was that I would meet Ryan Ross from Panic! At the Disco. We’d fall in love and live happy while I joined them on tour.

I use to watch music videos on demand for hours on end. Jumping on the couch listening to Dirty Little Secrets (when I was first introduced to P.S). Listened to ‘Bad Day’ at full volume. Accidentally slammed my screen door shut too hard and got locking out of my house for a few hours. (My mom left me home alone finally because I was sick of going to every single one of my sisters soccer practices). I tried to understand the concept of ‘Sugar Were Going Down Swinging’ and said damn whore each time I watched ‘I write Sins Not Tragedies’ (made me feel really rebellious).

The next concert I went to was Fall Out Boy. I was in fifth grade. There was a commercial on TV saying they were coming to the palace and I begged my mom to allow me to go. It was the tour for the Album ‘Under the Cork Tree’ (still a solid jam). I went with two of my neighbors, my sister and my mom. Hawthorne Heights opened up for them. That was the first time I heard them. I made my mom get me their cd and listened to it on repeat while we drove to the Kalahari for my birthday.

That summer I went to Taking Back Sunday’s first headlining tour with my mom. They were with The Subways, Head Automatica, and Angels and Airwaves. Right before the summer started I got my first cellphone. It was a flip phone with a camera. Around the camera would light up different colors when someone called. I downloaded ‘Louder Now’ on my flip phone and played it on repeat. The day of the concert I sat in a chair on my front porch and watched the ‘Makedamnsure’.

Middle school was when music started to play a big role in my life. For my birthday that year I got to go see Panic! At the Disco. The Hush Sound, Plain White T’s and Jacks Mannequin opened for them. (The girl I later became best friends because she told me she liked my brown, white, and blue checkered vans with happened to be sitting a few rows behind me). They literally put on a show. It was like being at the movies with all of the things that were happening on stage. Over that course of that year I became close friends with one of my sisters friends, T. She listened to just about anything and everything. Introduing me to all these bands. That Christmas I got my first iPod. It was a white video. I took it everywhere with me. Even kept it in my pencil case at school. I didn’t know how to put music on it. I asked who played in New Atlantic how to use it over AIM. (I didn’t think asking some stranger 15+ years older than me for help was weird). The first song I put on it was Make Out Kids by Motion City Soundtrack. That summer I went to my first Warped Tour. A combination of bands that I loved all in one place. The December of eight grade was rough for me. I spent my time constantly sleeping, avoiding everyone. The daily fights with my parents on if I would go to school that day or not. At the time I didn’t know what was going on with me. I thought that this was simply that happens to everyone. While spending my days in bed when I wasn’t sleeping I had music playing. At the time it was my one constant. It managed to give me a feeling when the only thing I knew at the time was numbness. I went to see The Maine at the end of that year. 3oh!3 and A Rocket to the Moon played as well. It was my first time crowd surfing. My sister was concerned with me falling or getting lost from her. I asked the guy standing in front of me to lift me up anyhow. That night filled me with a high.

Warped Tour 2009

Warped 2009. We asked them to borrow their set list during one of the shows and later during the day we saw them again and became friends. K lost the stud to her lip piecing during A Day to Remember how we managed to find it is beyond me. I got lost from the group trying to meet up with other friends and hung out on some guys shoulders trying to find them. We had to go to the hospital at one point because K got dehydrated.

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Warped 2010. This is the last one I went to. Another year with new friends from the year before and me on strangers shoulders.

Music continued to be apart of my life through the years. From laying on the floor, dancing around, crying, and driving with no specific destination. The feeling you get in your bones when you see a band you love preform live or the flashback you get when a song comes on shuffle. Over the last year and a half I’ve gotten more into in it a sense of the make up of the music. That’s all over my head. I’ll take a music theory class during the summer. I am attempting to learn guitar but let me tell you. I suck. I should have someone teach me but I’m stubborn and don’t want to waste anyones time or be laughed at. I know I won’t ever be able to be one of those people that can make someone feel something through music and I’m okay with that. I do it to enjoy it.

Shallow

Just about everyone told me to see this movie. Everyone told me that it would make me cry. Know that it doesn’t take much to make me cry. I cry at crime shows all the time. I was going to go see it by myself. I figured at 23 it was acceptable to go places by myself. Last minute my mom decided that she wanted to tag along. Turns out in the States they don’t have trigger warnings. The ending made me cry. Like really cry, face completely red, hard to breathe gasping for air, silent drive home, hide in my room for hours after. Even with the ending I would recommend this movie to anyone and everyone. I’ve listened to the soundtrack probably more than I should admit. For me it’s something that you can really listen to no matter what kind of mood you are in. Jam to it in the car or lay on your floor watching the ceiling fan spin around in endless circles. It’s lovely.

You can break me down into three main parts using months. December – April, May – July, and August – November. December – April I’m just whatever.  As stated before, my doctor says I am basically the poster girl of seasonal affective disorder. Maybe that sounds like a mean thing to say about someone. I love my doctor and therapist though. Sharing the measurement of your uteruses creates a special bond between people. Even with medication I spend half of the time feeling numb. I sleep at much as I possibly can (once it gets dark at 5:30 I’m ready to go to bed.) I am someone who thrives with having a consistent schedule. In the past with online classes I’ve been able to do whatever at anytime and I think that’s really screwed me over.  It’s funny because people always say that you should just pick yourself up. I would love nothing more. During those months I lay in bed thinking about that a lot. Theres a part of me that wants to just get up, have the energy and all that jazz. Theres a bigger part of me during those times that over rule that feeling though. It’s like I’m anchored to my bed. Even though part of me wants to get up the weight is more than I can lift myself. May – July the weight begins to lift. I have my windows open every chance I get. I start working on my garden as soon as the last frost. (I can spend hours in my garden.  I don’t necessarily need me working multiple hours a day in it but it keeps me outside and gives me something to do). My dogs and I get to go adventure off the paths in some of the parks.  Late night drives, bonfires, drinking and some solid sunsets. Things are simpler for me at that time. August – November is always tricky. I can feel myself slowing being weighted down. It’s not enough to keep me in bed but there is still a pull there. With the weather getting colder and the sun not being out as long I can feel it starting. Due to work and having a consistent schedule this year has been a bit better so far. I should go see my doctor and therapist.

I have been lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life. I have my friends which I am beyond grateful for. They get me through the day to day and keep me grounded. By all means I am not an easy person to deal with on the day to day basis.  So they deserve an award for being there. They mean more to me than they can possibly imagine. Throughout your life I think that theres a few people who really leave a mark on you. While each person shapes you into who you are these people change you in a way that you don’t think is really possible until it happens. Generally it’s the people that just kind of enter your life in an whatever way but over time they work their way into being one of the most important parts. The people who make you feel like you can fly to the moon when you’re stuck at the bottom of the ocean. The faith they have on you is something else, undesirable in a way. They make you feel the way that listening to your favorite song does on a sunny day with the windows down do (that’s the best I can describe it). Like everything though, things change over time.  Most things are temporary. People fall apart. They move on with theirs and you move on with yours. The thing is once you have one of those people that can have a major effect on you like that and they slowly start to fall out of your life it’s one of the worst feelings. You have this constant in your life that starts to fade away leaving you with something missing.  That’s how I feel right now. Like I’ve lost something. Something that I loved and I can’t get back. I miss those people. I want them all back. Now I’m stuck trying to navigate the world on my own. I’m lost at sea and they were the light houses that would guide me back home. Those light houses got washed away by a storm though. Pieces of them still remain but it’s not the light house it once was.

Bedroom Window / About Me.

If I’m in the right mood I can talk about almost anything for hours. The one thing I can’t do is tell you about myself. I never know what people want to know. Honestly, I’m not all that exciting. I figure the best thing to do is do what I did back when I had a myspace. Give a random list of things about me / my opinion because that’ll probably tell you more about me than anything else would.

  • I didn’t know how to actually spell my middle name until I was 20.
  • I only eat one type of food at a time.
  • I believe everything should be eaten as finger food if possible.
  • Purses are pointless to me. I use my three backpacks.
  • My doctor says I am basically the poster girl for S
  • I absolutely hate pictures that are posed for. Candid ones are alway
  • .A.D.
  • I was chased by a deer once so I still have mix feelings about them.
  • The nicest compliment I’ve ever received was being told I am like a sour patch kid
    • My friends brother telling me I reminded him of a pit bull is a close second.
  • The only reason I keep my room clean is because it makes me feel like I have my life somewhat together.
  • If I finger worm at you, it’s as good as a compliment.
  • Strangers are fascinating. Talk to them.
  • My scream can make your ears bleed.
  • s better.
  • I get these ideas in my head and I have to follow through with them.
  • If you crack your knuckles in front of me I have to crack whatever will on my body.
  • I’ll go to war for you / do everything in my power to help you accompaniment your dreams.
  • I make some weird squeak sound when I get hella excited.
  • If I had a bad dream I’ll be mad at the person in real life for a few hours.
  • When I die I want that to be it for me. I don’t want an afterlife.
    • I still believe in ghost though
  • My nails are always painted even if it’s just a clear coat.
    • Left ring finger and right thumb are always painted a different color than my other nails. 8 years ago my dad told me to do it because it would make me cooler. (It doesn’t but I still do it)
  • The ‘American Dream’ should really be going to Target drunk.
  • Slightly addicted to solitaire. I’ve pulled multiple all nighters playing it.
  • I’d sell my soul if it meant I could be even slightly creative.
  • Socks are always the most acceptable gift.
  • I only use calendars that start on Monday instead of Sunday.
  • Probably in the top ten of the worlds biggest hypocrites.
  • Never trust someone who willing chooses to wear pocketless jeans.
  • If I ever wrote a book the murder would kill people who ask to use their chapstick by giving them one that has poison in it.

  • I do not pronounce the word ‘turn’ correctly. Ever.
  • One time this girl said John Mayer was the original singer of Free falling
    • I walked out of her car and never talked to her again
    • One of my most upsetting moments in life.
  • Boxes of tampons / condom should come with prizes in them like cracker jacks do.
  • Any emotional level under a three or above an eight will make me cry.
  • Adult coloring books are ridiculously stressful.
  • I physically shake. I always just thought that was something that just happened.
    • Turns out it’s just a form of an anxiety.
  • Writing letters is my favorite.
    • So is getting things in the mail.
  • I haven’t changed my hairstyle in over ten years.
  • Sucker for a good sunrise but I still appreciate a good sunset.
  • If I’m not singing along to a song I’m probably counting along to it.
  • Three tattoos. Eight piercings.
  • My nose is constantly stuffy and I’m always sniffling.
  • Pickles disgust me. The smell can make me dry heave.
    • so it the word butter when it is said out loud.
  • Big fan of finger guns and the *pew pew* shooting game with friends.
  • One of my dogs is named after a band and another one is named after a song.
  • There is always a fan on in my room. I can not sleep in a quiet room.
  • I will rewrite a whole sentence if I don’t know how to spell one of the words correctly.
  • My feet haven’t grown since I was in seventh grade.

The Start of It

Whenever I have to write a school paper I always have a rough time figuring out how to start it. What should be a simple paper that takes an hour to write turns into a four hour process of writing, deleting, and rewriting because I can never find the perfect thing to say in the beginning. Generally, I tell some story about something that happened in life or give my opinion. Which I’m sure has led my teachers to believe that I’m not completely ‘normal’ (putting it nicely?). I did have a teacher one tell me though that he missed my ridiculous stories when I didn’t start with one once. He claimed he always looked forward to my papers because of it. The point I’m trying to make is that figuring out what to start off on each post for this won’t be any different. It’s just as difficult, if not more.

This is my first public blog. I have my public Tumblr but I only reblog pictures on that. My private Tumblr that is under lock and key is really just used for me to complain about things. My real problem is that through out the day I think of things I want to say. By the time I get to my computer my mind constantly draws a blank.  When I was younger I use to have a way with words. Now I’m just one big mess and hope that things make sense. The best way to describe it is something Michael Scott said in The Office ”Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.”

I’m almost positive that this song is called ‘The Start of It’ by Meese (hence the title of this post) but apparently on youtube the only actual music video that shows it’s under ‘Tell Me It’s Over’.  Just go with it.