Eight days into blogmas and I figured I should take a minute and make a post on what has been on my mind recently. My head is foggy and I’m wild with frustration. At myself, the person I have been for the last ten years and the person that I am becoming.
There aren’t a lot of things that I really want in life. I can’t necessarily say that I’m happy. At this moment I can’t say that I am sad though either. I’m somewhere floating in the middle just making it through one day, into the next. I don’t mind it being that way. Would I like it to change? Yeah, sure. I’m not worrying if it doesn’t though.
I just took an hour break because I lost my train of thought (is that the phrase?) and I’m watching a show and this lady said something about how she didn’t mind being alone but she didn’t want to be insignificant and holy moly me oh my did that hit the nail on the head. Well I don’t want to be alone. Stupid people (actually really great people) had to walk into my life once upon a time and make me feel things. That’s not the point. Right now I’m insignificant. Why am I not one of those people who just goes for it. Gets on a plane, takes the adventure, follow the silly ideas inside my head. Theres a fire inside me that is dying because I suck and don’t do the things I want to do.
I try so hard to be enough. Not for myself but for everyone else. That’s the kind of person I am. I need others approvals. Not always. I have always wanted people to be proud of me. So I try hard and it’s gotten me nowhere. Sitting in bed at on a Saturday night. Pounding away at the keyboard. Putting letters into words that most likely won’t make sense to anyone who reads it. Do people even read this?
The worst is when you meet someone and theres just something about them. You can’t put your finger on it but you know it’s there. They make you feel like you are invincible. They think that your weird ideas are worth pursuing. You could be worthless but you’re not worthless to them. I don’t have that anymore and it drives me crazy. I’m the only one to blame for this happening. I have my chances. I get scared and push people away. How frickin’ typical is that (working on not swearing as much.) Trying to be my friend is no easy task. Nor is staying around when I get difficult. People get this idea of me. That somehow I’m something wonderful. In the beginning it’s always the same. ‘Harper I want to get to know you. You’re the bees knees.’ (Not the exact phrasing they use but it’s cooler than saying you fascinate me or you’re interesting.) Give it three months. I seem like something awesome. Then I start to rely on people and that’s when it all goes down hill. I get clingy. I end up getting so use to talking to someone all the time when it changes I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. Letting go has never been one of my strong suits. I talked about this with Ryan not so long ago. (It’s kind of funny because we faded away too) How becoming dependent on someone only screws you over in the end. So, sorry to disappoint all those people who have talked to me and think that I’m one of those people who are all chill and don’t give a shit. I do. I don’t get how you can care about someone for so long then it’s like you never knew each other. Oh, I’ve had such lovely people in my life over the last ten years. Sure, I shouldn’t have switched high schools or taken online classes. One of my biggest regrets. I think about it daily.
Anyhow, ‘If you could have any super power what would it be?’ People ask that question all the time. We go with something like being invisible, ability to fly, or something along those lines. I know exactly what I want my super power to be though. I want the power to take everyones pain away. If I could I would suck up everyones pain and suffer miserably if it meant the world didn’t have to feel it. Maybe that’s a little dramatic. That would be my super power though.
Okay. I need to go back and knit this blanket I’m working on. I have to restart it all because of three mistakes. I could have left them but it would have lost sleep over it.