Shallow

Just about everyone told me to see this movie. Everyone told me that it would make me cry. Know that it doesn’t take much to make me cry. I cry at crime shows all the time. I was going to go see it by myself. I figured at 23 it was acceptable to go places by myself. Last minute my mom decided that she wanted to tag along. Turns out in the States they don’t have trigger warnings. The ending made me cry. Like really cry, face completely red, hard to breathe gasping for air, silent drive home, hide in my room for hours after. Even with the ending I would recommend this movie to anyone and everyone. I’ve listened to the soundtrack probably more than I should admit. For me it’s something that you can really listen to no matter what kind of mood you are in. Jam to it in the car or lay on your floor watching the ceiling fan spin around in endless circles. It’s lovely.

You can break me down into three main parts using months. December – April, May – July, and August – November. December – April I’m just whatever.  As stated before, my doctor says I am basically the poster girl of seasonal affective disorder. Maybe that sounds like a mean thing to say about someone. I love my doctor and therapist though. Sharing the measurement of your uteruses creates a special bond between people. Even with medication I spend half of the time feeling numb. I sleep at much as I possibly can (once it gets dark at 5:30 I’m ready to go to bed.) I am someone who thrives with having a consistent schedule. In the past with online classes I’ve been able to do whatever at anytime and I think that’s really screwed me over.  It’s funny because people always say that you should just pick yourself up. I would love nothing more. During those months I lay in bed thinking about that a lot. Theres a part of me that wants to just get up, have the energy and all that jazz. Theres a bigger part of me during those times that over rule that feeling though. It’s like I’m anchored to my bed. Even though part of me wants to get up the weight is more than I can lift myself. May – July the weight begins to lift. I have my windows open every chance I get. I start working on my garden as soon as the last frost. (I can spend hours in my garden.  I don’t necessarily need me working multiple hours a day in it but it keeps me outside and gives me something to do). My dogs and I get to go adventure off the paths in some of the parks.  Late night drives, bonfires, drinking and some solid sunsets. Things are simpler for me at that time. August – November is always tricky. I can feel myself slowing being weighted down. It’s not enough to keep me in bed but there is still a pull there. With the weather getting colder and the sun not being out as long I can feel it starting. Due to work and having a consistent schedule this year has been a bit better so far. I should go see my doctor and therapist.

I have been lucky enough to have some amazing people in my life. I have my friends which I am beyond grateful for. They get me through the day to day and keep me grounded. By all means I am not an easy person to deal with on the day to day basis.  So they deserve an award for being there. They mean more to me than they can possibly imagine. Throughout your life I think that theres a few people who really leave a mark on you. While each person shapes you into who you are these people change you in a way that you don’t think is really possible until it happens. Generally it’s the people that just kind of enter your life in an whatever way but over time they work their way into being one of the most important parts. The people who make you feel like you can fly to the moon when you’re stuck at the bottom of the ocean. The faith they have on you is something else, undesirable in a way. They make you feel the way that listening to your favorite song does on a sunny day with the windows down do (that’s the best I can describe it). Like everything though, things change over time.  Most things are temporary. People fall apart. They move on with theirs and you move on with yours. The thing is once you have one of those people that can have a major effect on you like that and they slowly start to fall out of your life it’s one of the worst feelings. You have this constant in your life that starts to fade away leaving you with something missing.  That’s how I feel right now. Like I’ve lost something. Something that I loved and I can’t get back. I miss those people. I want them all back. Now I’m stuck trying to navigate the world on my own. I’m lost at sea and they were the light houses that would guide me back home. Those light houses got washed away by a storm though. Pieces of them still remain but it’s not the light house it once was.

Published by

Harper

23. Michigan. Hella Lame.

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